Speeding up, slowing down

I’ve been busy lately. Juggling work, life and plans to release some new music has meant that recently, everyday has had a to-do list as long as my arm. A few weeks ago it began to feel like the only way to hold it all together was to be laser focused all of the time.

Then out of the blue I was forced to stop. And not for a bad reason, a great reason actually, I was sent to California for work – which has never, ever happened! At very late notice I ended up being out there for eight days on my own, spending most of my time with my friends’ parents who live high up in the mountains.

It took about three days of yoyo-ing between frantic email writing and staring into blank space to realise that I hadn’t really been myself lately. I was finding it hard to slow my brain as it chased down every thought at 100 miles per hour. I had this unexpected week off in the most beautiful place, but I was finding it hard to stop and take it all in.

Laser focus is good, kind of. It gets things moving and gets stuff done. But taking in the moment, this very moment, breathing in deep breaths, listening to other people? Laser focus does not do these things. And a view like the one I had from the balcony every morning deserved a moment, a breath, a pause. And eventually I realised I needed a pause too.

So what if everything doesn’t go to plan? So what if this EP release isn’t as slick or as well timed as I’d like it to be. All the songs we recorded are about clearing a space, making time and learning to feel human again. So ideally, I’d like to stay human as I share them with the world, with you. They’re not perfect but they’re honest – and I think that’s okay.

It’s funny, when I finished writing the songs for the EP I really thought to myself, ah yes these are the lessons I’ve learnt and now I can share them with other people. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. They’re the lessons I’m learning, and will probably carry on trying to learn for a long time.

I’m back from my crazy adventures now, there’s so much to catch up in every aspect of my life. But yet again, I’m trying to learn that I don’t have to carry all of it. I don’t have to succeed at everything and I don’t have to be fine all the time. Really feeling alive, isn’t about that, it’s about showing weakness, slowing down if you need to, trying to really listen and share what you have, even if it isn’t perfect.

‘All this time I was giving you what you don’t need
When all you ask for us the weakness in me
All you ask for is the weakness in me.’

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